I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
