tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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