I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
