Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize