I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize