just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
