why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
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