Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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