His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
