I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
