Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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