help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
