I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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