I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
