every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
