Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
