Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
