Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
