I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
