So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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