One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
