You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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