My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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