Pregnant stripper...not hot.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
