Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
