Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
