I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im six kinds of drunk right now
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
