My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Randomize
