Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
