Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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