did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
