dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
