$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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