I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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