if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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