I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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