we have officially mastered the walk of shame
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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