I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize