Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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