she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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