Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
