Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
