I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize