All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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