does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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