real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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