Can Purell be used as lube?
I am midnight drunk by noon
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Randomize
