I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
