I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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