So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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