its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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