if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
