um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
