3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
