Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
