I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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