If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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