OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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