No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
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