your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
